You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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