A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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