see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
