I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
