they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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