I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I lost the right to judge tonight
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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