Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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