my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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