When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
