I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
