I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
