You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
