I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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