Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
