New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
