I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My cat gives me a boner
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You should frame my arrest warrant.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
