I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We left the knife in your bed.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize