I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
