he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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