tonight lets celebrate not being married
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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