I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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