I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize