My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
