I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
