I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
