quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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