First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
