didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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