Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
