I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
