I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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