I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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