he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
