we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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