you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
