I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
