i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
