3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
