Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
