Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
