I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize