Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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