I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
