WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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