He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
