Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
