he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
