Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
