when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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