Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
