At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
