theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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