how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
