I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
