I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
