This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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