She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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